The day my ENTIRE WORLD changed....

Well the music you should be listening to right now is the song that my dad and I danced to at my wedding in May of 2001.(No longer playing "Butterfly Kisses") It was actually the first and only time I ever danced with my dad. It was cute because you could tell that he was nervous. I cried the entire time because the moment was too sweet and the emotions were too strong to deny my love for him. My dad and I were never incredibly close like my mom and I. But I could never have imagined my life without him. I hesitate to include the crying photo because I am a wreck! But in it you can kind of get a feel for how I felt. And if you know me at all, you know that I try to maintain the tough chick image so this is a lot for me to share with you. But at the same time you have to let your guard down every now and then.

I have been thinking about this post for a while now. Even before this month came. I wasn't sure if I wanted to use it as a chance to vent my frustrations, record the day as I saw it so that I could figure out what I missed,or pour out my heart because I'm so heart broken to this day. I suppose it will end up being a little bit of all of them.

On October 18th 2003, I woke up and started the day just like any other day. Then I was going to take Gabriel to a fall festival at a local elementary school, pick out a few pumkins to put on dad's porch, and then we were off to look at apartments since we felt that we had mooched off my dad long enough...although looking back now I realize he would have given anything for us to stay!

It's the little things you remember the most...dad and Adam putting on the pool cover in the morning...dad and I catching a morning football game while he's driving a toy truck up and down Gabriel's legs and arms and watching them both smile from ear to ear! I wish so many days that I could have this day back! We went to the fall festival and then went with Doris, Jordan, and Jill to pick out a few pumpkins from a local man who sold them ever year from his home. Nothing seemed different than any other October day. Preparing for halloween and enjoying fall begin to turn the shades of winter. I say that because at the time it didn't seem different. Looking back I can see things that I didn't realize before. When we left to go looking for apartments, my dad--who has never been an affectionate guy--hugged me and told me he loved me at least 5 times while we were getting ready to leave the garage. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I notice how somber of a mood he was in? Why didn't I just listen more and think more all those times he called frustrated with his situation or came home from work so distraught?! I know, some of you may think I'm being too hard on myself but really?! I could have changed that day entirely if I had only been more intuitive.

There's that part of me...the part that remembers the day and every smell and every sound...and then there's the part of me that gets so angry that someone could actually encourage someone to kill themselves. Or even better tell them that you're actually surprised that he/she hasn't done it already! What a piece! Do people really realize how hurtful words can be? Do they underestimate their ability to effect a person and their family forever? For someone to take another persons life and treat it as though it doesn't matter is absurd! Although you may not care about him/her, what did the rest of the family do to you? Why do you hate them so much? Huh?! You can't effect one and not the other! On top of that, you tell someone you love them and the next minute you take one of that persons family members---someone you supposedly USE to love---and crush them like dried leaves in the palm of your hand!!

This anger has been my enemy underneath for the last 5 years. Although I do have a strong belief of forgiveness and the atonement, my dad's death has been one big mess that I have been sorting through and will continue to sort through for the next few years. I know about forgiveness and I know about what I SHOULD do---however---it isn't EVER easy and in my opinion takes some time. I long for the day I harbor no more anger towards the people I FEEL are responsible for the loss of my father. It is a slow and steady progression and I am getting there---slowly---but still nevertheless making progress. I am truly grateful for the strength of friends and family. I am most grateful though, for the life line that the gospel offers you to work through overcoming what you think is never possible.

Since that day I have created somewhat of a tradition when it comes to October 18th. I really try to remember the good things about my dad and reflect on the good memories and not so much the bad. I go to the same place every year on October 18th and buy another pumpkin.Usually the kids pick out a few. Here's a couple of pictures from over the years.
Then the kids and Adam stay at my mom's so I can go have a moment with my dad. This year was incredible as my sister went with me and I have to be honest. Although, some may not believe it, it felt like it was just the 3 of us alone in the cemetary-my dad, my sister, and me. It was a peaceful experience this year and not so much a painful thing to experience. I will forever remember how I felt. Having my sister there with me, just the two of us alone with dad, was perfect and breathtaking. She and I have never been there together and it just felt right. I felt like my dad was glad we had finally came there together and was trying to tell us that it was ok to move on. Not forget...just move on. I am learning that you can love, honor, and respect those you love who are no longer with you but yet not fall apart because you think if you don't then you have forgotten them or love them less. The love and respect I can give him is to be the person he would be proud of and conduct myself in a way that reflects the good in him. Along with that, I can continue to raise 3 beautiful children that I know he would be proud to call his grandchildren. I'm just sad he only got a chance to meet one of them...he could have taught them so much! I love you dad.

This is the last photo that I have of my dad alive. We were at my mom's for Gabriel's 1-year-old birthday party in July of 2003. He died on October 18th, 2003 just 3 months later.

Please feel free to comment if you feel impressed to and as you do keep in mind that this is a sensitive subject for me and one that is close to my heart.