Christmas...the before party...

For those who don't know my mom is 1 of 17 children. Yeah, I know what your thinking! HOLY COW!! Yes my grandmother gave birth to 17 children...one...at...a...time! All single births and none adopted! Each Christmas we use to go to my grandmothers tiny little house that my mom grew up in and have lunch and swap gifts. Believe me, it was crowded but we loved it!! Well, since my grandma passed away a few years ago we have continued to hold a family get-together. Once at my aunt Dorothy's house, etc. This year we went to their ward building...shhh...not sure if that's allowed...and had our family Christmas. The only excuse I have for you is "HOW else are you going to fit so many people under one roof?!" Seriously, none of us has a house that big!

So we first had dinner which was plentiful with so many people bringing things...ahem...I say that sarcastically because I stopped at the store and grabbed a bag of rolls. YES, I'm one of those people who has completely NO idea how to make ANYTHING! And quite frankly most of the time I just say that my mom brought enough to count her food as something I brought. I know, lame but true! :) Isaac had to check out which 2 things---out of the WHOLE 30 something things there---he would actually eat!

Here are just 6 of the 10 girls getting everthing set up.

In order left to right: Dorothy, my mom Brenda, Joy, Doris hiding in the background, Mable, Sue

After dinner one of my aunts, Dorothy, hosted a game of dirty santa which Adam insist "...just doesn't sound right!" and I tend to agree. He suggested calling it white elephant like they do in other places...anywho!

When it was Adam's turn he had to sing a song!! hahahaha

Liah decided she had to get in on the fun and found herself one of the present and was excited to find what was inside. While the boys where busy in the gym hola hooping among other things...I'm sure!

Then after the game as she always does, my aunt Dorothy had a slide show prepared which is always fun to look at as it brings back memories...good and sad. I say sad because my grandmother has been missed so dearly since she passed away along with my grandpa. Here are a few pictures that she shared of our family.

Grandma

Grandpa

And yes, my mom as a little girl! They called her "Janie".

Look closely as yes I am wearing a dress AND smiling at the same time!

Gabriel in his signature pose! LOL!

Isaac caught off guard

And here are some random pictures that were taken that day. Enjoy!

Help Stop Suicide

Back in October, I wrote a post about my dad. I wrote about the day he died, my feelings surrounding his death, and then I wrote about how I try to deal with life now as he has passed and I am forced to move on yet not forget.

I have been thinking for the last few years about how to remember him in a positive way. Shortly after my dad's death, the president of the company he worked for, Tennsco, donated $30,000 to a community fund here where we live in my dad's name. As I thought about that and have participated in many races that are in memory of people who have died for various reasons i.e. cancer, fatal accidents, etc, I am now prepared to make my mark in the name of my dad. I recently came across an organization known as SAVE-Suicide Awareness Voices of Education.The SAVE mission is to prevent suicide through public awareness and education, reduce stigma, and serve as a resource for those touched by suicide. I have opened a webpage for my dad where he will have a SAVE Named Memorial. This is the reason for the little widget at the side of my blog titled "Help Stop Suicide". The following is a quick summary of what the memorial is about:

"A SAVE Named Memorial is a memorial established to honor and/or remember someone who has lost his or her life through suicide or who the donor wishes to remember or honor for other reasons. A minimum (total gifts combined) gift of $50 establishes a SAVE Named Memorial and the name will be displayed on SAVE's website. When the memorial reaches $1000 (donations total), the name of the person is placed on the Memorial Wall located at SAVE's headquarters in Minnesota. A light adorns each name and can be lit for special occasion."

SAVE provides resources centered on suicide prevention and coping with loss due to suicide. Educational brochures for adults and youth are available for community prevention programs, schools, health care professionals, businesses and for individuals concerned with suicide prevention. SAVE also has speakers who travel the country to raise awareness of suicide and resources on how to try and prevent it. These valuable tools provide an excellent opportunity to build community awareness as well as help those in need.

Aside from the website, I am hoping by March to put together a 5k race where 100% of the entry fees will go straight to the SAVE organization in memory of my dad.

Why you might ask have I all of a sudden decided to do all of this? My answer is both selfish and unselfish at the same time. Selfishly, I am having a difficult time STILL with his death. I want to remember my dad in a positive way and raising money for a non-profit organization that helps survivors of suicide and also raises awareness of it's reality in life helps me to do exactly that: continue to heal. The unselfish part is this: it is my HOPE to raise money in my dad's name to help educate more people about depression and preventing suicide. It is my heartfelt wish that no other family has to experience the pain of losing a loved one to suicide.

The website memorial is: www.firstgiving.com/homertaylor

The organizations website is: www.save.org

Please do not feel obligated to give. I only want to raise awareness myself and thus the website was born.

Lastly, I want to say thanks to those of you who have given your love and support to me and my family over the last 5 years. It means a lot that you care so much about our well-being.

...Liah Liah EVERYWHERE!!

Liah has finally decided it is time to learn to walk and MAN is she EVERYWHERE!! She started out trying a few steps as we bribed her with her favorite blanket. Now she walks from one piece of furniture to the next!

Just as she is learning to walk, she is deciding as well to venture to the stairs and somehow climb them without anyone seeing here. Most of the time the gate is up to block her from getting to the stairs. But sometimes we just FORGET!

Once we noticed she was missing because we didn't hear her making any noise. We started calling her name and sure enough she had climbed the stairs and we found her in the boys room playing with their toys.

Isaac's Last Soccer Game...yeah...a little late but oh well :)

So basically Isaac's last soccer game was...oh...about a month ago! Better late than never right?
He did really well the whole season and his season ended with the "SUPERGOALS" at the top...as in #1. I don't think that mattered at ALL to him but his mom, yeah ME, is all about being number 1. I'm only a little bit competitive..haha! This was his first year to play as I mentioned in an earlier blog and he learned so much. His coach was so patient and amazing when it came to making it fun and not a task! They gave out medals to each kid and pretended to have a small awards ceremony. It was fun and the kids loved it!! I'm not sure Isaac will ever stop asking, "Mom, do I have soccer today?"

The Corn Patch

Gabriel's elementary class went on their first field trip to The CoRn PaTch *wink* which was put together just for Halloween and has some fun things the kids can do for fun. They had a hay ride, a ride in a barrel of corn, the corn maze, and a playground that included the "corn cob pipe" which was a huge pipe that was made into a slide.

I pulled Isaac out of pre-school b/c I thought he would have tons of fun...which he did! I put Liah in the Kelty and off we went. Gabriel loved riding the bus as I won't let him ride the bus and insist on taking him to school every morning.

There are also 2 pictures of Halloween night. Isaac and Gabriel were clone troopers and Liah was a bee. TOO cute!

The day my ENTIRE WORLD changed....

Well the music you should be listening to right now is the song that my dad and I danced to at my wedding in May of 2001.(No longer playing "Butterfly Kisses") It was actually the first and only time I ever danced with my dad. It was cute because you could tell that he was nervous. I cried the entire time because the moment was too sweet and the emotions were too strong to deny my love for him. My dad and I were never incredibly close like my mom and I. But I could never have imagined my life without him. I hesitate to include the crying photo because I am a wreck! But in it you can kind of get a feel for how I felt. And if you know me at all, you know that I try to maintain the tough chick image so this is a lot for me to share with you. But at the same time you have to let your guard down every now and then.

I have been thinking about this post for a while now. Even before this month came. I wasn't sure if I wanted to use it as a chance to vent my frustrations, record the day as I saw it so that I could figure out what I missed,or pour out my heart because I'm so heart broken to this day. I suppose it will end up being a little bit of all of them.

On October 18th 2003, I woke up and started the day just like any other day. Then I was going to take Gabriel to a fall festival at a local elementary school, pick out a few pumkins to put on dad's porch, and then we were off to look at apartments since we felt that we had mooched off my dad long enough...although looking back now I realize he would have given anything for us to stay!

It's the little things you remember the most...dad and Adam putting on the pool cover in the morning...dad and I catching a morning football game while he's driving a toy truck up and down Gabriel's legs and arms and watching them both smile from ear to ear! I wish so many days that I could have this day back! We went to the fall festival and then went with Doris, Jordan, and Jill to pick out a few pumpkins from a local man who sold them ever year from his home. Nothing seemed different than any other October day. Preparing for halloween and enjoying fall begin to turn the shades of winter. I say that because at the time it didn't seem different. Looking back I can see things that I didn't realize before. When we left to go looking for apartments, my dad--who has never been an affectionate guy--hugged me and told me he loved me at least 5 times while we were getting ready to leave the garage. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I notice how somber of a mood he was in? Why didn't I just listen more and think more all those times he called frustrated with his situation or came home from work so distraught?! I know, some of you may think I'm being too hard on myself but really?! I could have changed that day entirely if I had only been more intuitive.

There's that part of me...the part that remembers the day and every smell and every sound...and then there's the part of me that gets so angry that someone could actually encourage someone to kill themselves. Or even better tell them that you're actually surprised that he/she hasn't done it already! What a piece! Do people really realize how hurtful words can be? Do they underestimate their ability to effect a person and their family forever? For someone to take another persons life and treat it as though it doesn't matter is absurd! Although you may not care about him/her, what did the rest of the family do to you? Why do you hate them so much? Huh?! You can't effect one and not the other! On top of that, you tell someone you love them and the next minute you take one of that persons family members---someone you supposedly USE to love---and crush them like dried leaves in the palm of your hand!!

This anger has been my enemy underneath for the last 5 years. Although I do have a strong belief of forgiveness and the atonement, my dad's death has been one big mess that I have been sorting through and will continue to sort through for the next few years. I know about forgiveness and I know about what I SHOULD do---however---it isn't EVER easy and in my opinion takes some time. I long for the day I harbor no more anger towards the people I FEEL are responsible for the loss of my father. It is a slow and steady progression and I am getting there---slowly---but still nevertheless making progress. I am truly grateful for the strength of friends and family. I am most grateful though, for the life line that the gospel offers you to work through overcoming what you think is never possible.

Since that day I have created somewhat of a tradition when it comes to October 18th. I really try to remember the good things about my dad and reflect on the good memories and not so much the bad. I go to the same place every year on October 18th and buy another pumpkin.Usually the kids pick out a few. Here's a couple of pictures from over the years.
Then the kids and Adam stay at my mom's so I can go have a moment with my dad. This year was incredible as my sister went with me and I have to be honest. Although, some may not believe it, it felt like it was just the 3 of us alone in the cemetary-my dad, my sister, and me. It was a peaceful experience this year and not so much a painful thing to experience. I will forever remember how I felt. Having my sister there with me, just the two of us alone with dad, was perfect and breathtaking. She and I have never been there together and it just felt right. I felt like my dad was glad we had finally came there together and was trying to tell us that it was ok to move on. Not forget...just move on. I am learning that you can love, honor, and respect those you love who are no longer with you but yet not fall apart because you think if you don't then you have forgotten them or love them less. The love and respect I can give him is to be the person he would be proud of and conduct myself in a way that reflects the good in him. Along with that, I can continue to raise 3 beautiful children that I know he would be proud to call his grandchildren. I'm just sad he only got a chance to meet one of them...he could have taught them so much! I love you dad.

This is the last photo that I have of my dad alive. We were at my mom's for Gabriel's 1-year-old birthday party in July of 2003. He died on October 18th, 2003 just 3 months later.

Please feel free to comment if you feel impressed to and as you do keep in mind that this is a sensitive subject for me and one that is close to my heart.

Playin' a little Catch UP!!!...Movie night while dad's away!!

Ok. It has been eons since I last posted so here's too making up for lost time. I will start from the oldest and work my way to the present. Eons ago (earlier this month) Adam went to a stake priesthood meeting. Because I am the needy person that I am, I searched high and low for someone to hang out with because I hate being alone!!! Did I say that with enough emphasis?! I LOATHE even the thought of being alone!! I had arranged to go bowling with another family in the ward and on the way to the bowling alley, the oldest son got sick. I tried another avenue but that didn't work out either! Much to my dismay things didn't work out and I was stuck with the unthinkable!

Putting my issues aside, I tried to look for something to save my night and yet not make me go crazy...thus, movie night on the wall in the living room. We had done this before with friends but never with just the four of us. It seems to always be a hit because what person doesn't enjoy their own home theater screen! The kids--minus Liah mind you(haha)--and I made a tent with a blanket and two chairs and they were more than happy laying underneath it with an endless amount of popcorn! Even Liah was literally eating the popcorn out of my hand!

They choose a new Little Einstein's movie at the movie store and the rest of the night was fine. I tried to occupy my time with "stuff" to keep busy until Adam came home. It really went rather well! I just have "smissues" as a friend of my so lovingly titles it and because I don't like being alone I still hope a repeat is not in the future!